Lisa's reflective account of Day 20....

I woke up early again that morning to express and phone the unit to check on Theo. They said his gas wasn’t as good overnight so they had increased his rate to give him a bit of a rest. Phil said I should stay in bed and he would go over for handover and the ward round. I felt tired so agreed. I couldn’t relax, I felt that I should be over on NICU with Phil and Theo. Phil was absolutely more than capable of looking after him but I hated not seeing Theo for so long and not being there for the ward round. Phil came back after the ward round and tried to explain what they’d said but he didn’t understand all of the terminology so didn’t explain it very well which stressed me out more. He really meant well telling me to have a lie in, but it wasn’t at all relaxing because I was annoyed that I wasn’t with Theo and didn’t know why was happening with him. It was tiring getting up early everyday and being on the unit so much, but it was nothing compared to how stressed I felt when I hadn’t been with Theo for so long. We both went back over to NICU. The nurse who was looking after him was lovely. We hadn’t had her before. She was so competent and filled me with so much confidence that he was in really good hands. His gas later on wasn’t good either so they increased his rate again to give him more of a rest. He obviously wasn’t tolerating being aggressively weaned, maybe it was too much to soon but you don’t know unless you try. I was still managing to express every 3-4 hours. I found it a bit of an inconvenience and often didn’t want to leave Theo to go to the expressing room but it was such an important thing to do for him, I was determined to continue for as long as I possibly could. Jack had a great time in the Lakes with my sister. They had gone to the summer festival there. He stayed at her house that night too so Phil and I stayed with Theo until the early hours. I felt so much better as the day went on than I had done that morning. I was really aware of my feelings and what helped me get through the days, being with Theo was what helped. People would say that I needed a break and should have time for myself but I had to do that when I decided to and not when people told me. I knew that they were trying to help but it had the opposite effect and made me more stressed. It didn’t seem like Theo would ever be bigger at that time. He was so tiny, 3 weeks had gone so quickly but so much had happened. Our lives as we knew them were no more. As long as we had each other we would be ok. I was sure of it!

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