Day 4 - Friday 23rd June 2017

I got up early this morning so I could spend some time with Theo before taking Jack to school (trying to get some normality back in to his life). He was looking nice and relaxed so I just sat and stared at him while holding his hand.... I have woke up feeling really emotional today; I was sat there on my own praying that he was going to be ok and promising God all sorts of things to watch over him....

I started to break down a little and could feel myself going when his nurse came in from her break..... I sucked it in and just started chatting to her about how Theo had been overnight... she was nice.... I think she knew I was on the edge though!

Lisa and Jack came over at about 7:45am; Jack read Theo a quick story and then we set off for school.... traffic was pretty bad and we ended up being a couple of minutes late... oh well!

Jack had an assembly first thing so I sat in the library and waited with some other parents.... his head master came in and I spoke to him about what was going on... At the asembly Jack won an award for sports.... I started filling up and had to try and hold it together because all his mates were there and I didn't want to embarrass him!! I need to sort myself out, I'm in a right mess!!

I went to work after the asembly and just sat there and stared at my computer for about 3 hours, unable to think straight! I must have called Lisa a dozen times while I was sat there.... I was so worried about Theo!

It was Jacks sports day in the afternoon so I went to watch Jack.... I just stood on my own trying not to talk to anybody, we've got lots of freinds at Jack's school and they all knew what was going on.... I was finding it really hard to hold conversations about it and probably came across a bit rude.... but I was so on the edge I couldn't risk breaking down in front of everyone! I have spent a lot of years in war zones in the Army, and I've seen things no boy/man should ever see, but I've never felt emotions like these before!!

After Jack's sports day we came back to the hospital and went straight over to see Theo..... he had been messed about with quite a bit today because his gases weren't very good.... they were taking blood quite often and they had to put another cannula in his arm because the one he had in had come out....

Jack and I read Theo a couple of books and then I gave him a wash and changed his nappy again.... he didn't wee this time 😁 although I was a bit gutted because I didn't get to hold him again..... probably for the best though because that would have been enough to send me over the edge!

Lisa could tell that I was upset tonight and told me to let it all out..... I'm not ready for that yet! I think it's just because I've not spent enough time with Theo the last couple of days to know what's going on fully, as I have been running around sorting things out.... I'm really looking forward to spending my first weekend with him the next two days.... I love him so much and he's only 4 days old ❤❤

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